Monday, 1 June 2015

It was almost aloha

Cardigan & top: old Madewell, Skirt: old J.Crew, shoes: new Ecco
 So I nearly deleted my blog the other day. Not because of my computer dying/exploding, and not because I'd decided I was sick of it (I'm not). No, it was because finally, my two worlds collided and one of my real-life friends found out. 

This may seem weird to you if  you have a blog that you're proud of and are working hard to promote - more power to you if you are! But as for me, it was really super hard at first to put photos of myself online. I didn't really feel like there was space for me and my big ass on the Internet, but I was doing it anyway - as a conscious part of getting over myself and my body-issues. And then, turned out to be so much fun - and best of all, it allowed me to make some really awesome friends. 

Now, with the exception of a handful of people - I mean, I haven't even told my mother - none of the people I hang out with on a daily basis knew about this blog. Sure, some of them clocked on that I was developing this new "fashionista" side, but mostly, they knew me as a nerd who makes comics and does Shakespeare. Just the thought that anyone would "find me out" used to fill me with serious icy dread. I mean, I'm not pretty like that. My ass is big. They'd think I was a douchebag for doing this, I thought. 

And then, one of them did. Find out, I mean. 

She sent me a text message to tell me that she'd found out. It was kind of a mean text message. I read it on the train home from work. I just sat there on the train, trying to read my book and not absorbing very much. Only when I was in the lift going up to our apartment did I realize I was hearing this thin, piping sound, and that this was the sound of me breathing.

 To summarize, I had the king of all panic attacks. I spent the next half hour curled up under a blanket, sobbing and yowling, and thinking, "I have to delete it now. I have to delete it now!"  

But Victor said, Don't. And my other friend, one of the few other people I'd told, said, Why should you? She said, It's hard to put yourself out there, but you have just as much right to do it as anyone else.

 So yes, I'm leaving it up. And I'm sorry if this is all a bit heavy for a Monday night. We'll be back to funny Victor stories and musings on how to wear stripes next time, 'kay? :)


  1. Hi

    I just posted but it disappeared, so not sure if it got through.

    I'm so glad you have decided to keep posting. I really admire your blog, sense of humour and style. Your posts always cheer me up.

    Coming from aus, I find the fashion in london quite dark! It's good to see you posting upbeat, colourful clothes from anthro! (I love that we have an anthro in London!)

    All the best

    1. Thank you so much for this comment, hon. It really meant a lot to me! (And I'm sorry your comment got deleted - isn't that the worst?) It's so great that I can cheer you up, that made me really happy. :)

      And I know, London is like the Goth capital of the world! I used to try to fit in, but now it's more about seeing what I can get away with. :) Did you know, by the way, that there are FOUR Anthro stores here now? Kings Road, Regent Street, Spitalfields and Marylebone. Apparently VICTOR has been to the Spitalfields one, but I haven't, haha.

  2. I am so glad that you didn't delete your blog. I would be seriously sad. It is a delight for me to read your posts. They make me happy. Your outfits are darling. You have interesting and funny things to say. You are beautiful. Please keep going.

    Was that mean text from your friend mean because she felt betrayed that you would keep something important about you from her? Or was she mean just to be snarky and not nice? I hope it was the former and you two can talk it out. If it was the latter, maybe she is not a friend worth having.

    I love your blog, Gwen!!!! There's not much happy in the world lately. Thank you for providing your readers with the happy! It is a gift.


    1. Cynthia, thank you so much for saying all that. I was about to be all silly and say you're a scholar and a gentlewoman, but silliness aside, thanks for believing in me. That means so much. I will definitely keep going now - I mean, I have to, with all this emotional blackmail going on! ;-P

      Since my friend apparently reads my blog now (Hello hon!), I guess I'd better not speculate too much about it here. But I mean, nobody can know 100% of what goes on in another person's life. That's just not possible or practical. And like I said before, to me this blog was more of a dirty little secret than anything else. So if my friend felt betrayed - like, this didn't even occur to me that anyone might feel that way! Thanks for offering up such a sober perspective!

      Anyway, I'm really glad you love my blog! I never thought I'd hear anyone say that. You are so sweet and kind.:)