|Cardigan & top: old Madewell, Skirt: old J.Crew, shoes: new Ecco|
So I nearly deleted my blog the other day. Not because of my computer dying/exploding, and not because I'd decided I was sick of it (I'm not). No, it was because finally, my two worlds collided and one of my real-life friends found out.
This may seem weird to you if you have a blog that you're proud of and are working hard to promote - more power to you if you are! But as for me, it was really super hard at first to put photos of myself online. I didn't really feel like there was space for me and my big ass on the Internet, but I was doing it anyway - as a conscious part of getting over myself and my body-issues. And then, turned out to be so much fun - and best of all, it allowed me to make some really awesome friends.
Now, with the exception of a handful of people - I mean, I haven't even told my mother - none of the people I hang out with on a daily basis knew about this blog. Sure, some of them clocked on that I was developing this new "fashionista" side, but mostly, they knew me as a nerd who makes comics and does Shakespeare. Just the thought that anyone would "find me out" used to fill me with serious icy dread. I mean, I'm not pretty like that. My ass is big. They'd think I was a douchebag for doing this, I thought.
And then, one of them did. Find out, I mean.
She sent me a text message to tell me that she'd found out. It was kind of a mean text message. I read it on the train home from work. I just sat there on the train, trying to read my book and not absorbing very much. Only when I was in the lift going up to our apartment did I realize I was hearing this thin, piping sound, and that this was the sound of me breathing.
To summarize, I had the king of all panic attacks. I spent the next half hour curled up under a blanket, sobbing and yowling, and thinking, "I have to delete it now. I have to delete it now!"
But Victor said, Don't. And my other friend, one of the few other people I'd told, said, Why should you? She said, It's hard to put yourself out there, but you have just as much right to do it as anyone else.
So yes, I'm leaving it up. And I'm sorry if this is all a bit heavy for a Monday night. We'll be back to funny Victor stories and musings on how to wear stripes next time, 'kay? :)